This Time Tomorrow

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I woke up around 8AM, but slept for an hour or two more (or at least I didn't leave my bed until then). Feeling a weird sort of pain. Last night I felt tremendous pain due to the conversation with Katie, but during the conversation I started to feel better. Talking helps.

Even so, I have this pain, a weird sort of feeling which I can't pin down. For example: it took me about an hour to gather up enough motivation for making tea. My hand was on the tea pot, but I just couldn't move. I managed to get the water boiling. I had to re-boil it 30 minutes later. I cleaned the pot and strainer. I looked at my tea. I usually drink Earl Grey in the morning, but decided on this bagged blueberry stuff.. it tastes good and makes me happy, and I need all the happy I can get right now.

I took my Paxil around this time. What a useless exercise. I feel like I'm only taking it now to subdue any withdrawal symptoms that may occur if I didn't take it. I'll have to wait until Monday (psychiatrist appointment) to figure out what to do about it. The drug isn't working, it makes me tired and I get more depressed. Oh well - at least I'm on the "path" to eventually feeling better.

Whenever I have a conversation with Katie like the one I had last night, afterwards I'm like.. wow that was really nice. Emotionally, it was brutal (for me), but in the end I felt better, and more importantly I learned more about her, and myself. I wish she would have told me more. I wish I knew what it is about me that gave her the feeling that she wasn't able to tell me things. I wanted her to, but obviously I gave her this vibe. I don't want to be like that. I'm so sick of closing myself off to people, and I think I'm so used to it that I even do it without thinking now... so like... how do I fix it when I do it on habit? I want to feel like a full human being, not a body passing through time.